Idea of love

He told me I am heartless. He wanted me to be with him.

His interactions with me ranged from accusing me of everything that is wrong with his life to how much he cannot even live a day without me. He told me that he needed me and wanted me to no end, that I should give him a chance to make me happy.

He told me how wonderfully perfect I was and how much I make his life better. And then there were days when he could not stop criticizing the same “wonderfully perfect” person. I listened to him. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have but I had learned to be patient… and also be indifferent.

I know that he wanted me, that he loved me. But there is a difference between loving a person and loving the idea of a person. I knew that at the end of it all, I was replaceable. I am a wonderful idea, but that is all I am. An idea. I knew I will not amount to anything more.

I was the best and the worst person—best for being ‘wonderfully perfect’ and worst for not reciprocating his emotions the way he wanted me to. But I knew that he will *love* me until he finds someone else.

And it finally happened.

And the worst? It happened after changing me

Can you blame me?

Funny life

Life is funny.

As always, problems magnify when they happen to us. They easily become full-blown Shakespearean tragedies, in fact, if we let them. Then you see someone else committing the same mistakes as you did, or suffering the same self-created trap you did, and something cringes inside. You rush to make it right, because it is -- just as it was back then -- largely futile. You want them to let go - it will become easier - and you remember your own reluctance in letting go.

Life is funny.

I think I keep realizing the same things over and over again every now and then in life. It is sad life wastes so much effort in re-educating me, and I spend so little in remembering my lessons. Once you see someone else in pain, in slow agony and you realize you care, your own pain just disappears somewhere. It is magical, it is potent. It is what we probably like to call being human. I love it. I should have probably become a doctor but I cant stand a hospital (consultants only afflict pain, not cure them, especially verbal and visual through jarring unending presentations).

So this is my new commandment to myself. Control the controllables. It is not new, it is hardly unique. But it is a good reminder to self. It makes the one most important thing easy in life: letting go. It is also incredibly important if you want to live with knowing that you are not good enough, no matter how badly you want something.

I love it.

:-)

Have it all........

The worse mistake we make is leave something good in hopes that there is something better out there for us. And sadly, we make this mistake too often. The truth is, there is always something - someone - better out there for us. Someone who is more compatible, someone who is more beautiful, someone who would fit more into our lives. You can use all the logic in the world and calculate all the compatibilities, and you will see your perfect mate. But would that perfect mate love you? Would that perfect mate be near you? Or would that perfect mate will even be available? The answer is... 'Perhaps,' but are you really willing to bet on that? Are you willing to set your small loving home on fire in hopes for a big mansion tomorrow which may or may not exist?

And I wish I could tell you to not make this mistakes, to learn from what I have seen. Because I know all too well that once you take that step there is no way of undoing it. But I won't tell you because I get it - I get it that we are selfish, we want it all and the most dangerous thing we want is "More". So I won't tell you not to make this mistake because it is something you know in your heart or you don't.

All I can tell you is that you will make this mistake and you will regret it.