Somewhere between......

I'm in this dark hole now. It's pretty though.

It's the prettiest thing in my world right now. No light. Just sheer darkness and me. It's all good. Something keeps me wanting to live amidst all the chaos, all this death. No noise. No light. No clutter. No racing. No tears. No smiles. No one to let you down. No one to give you glory. No friends, therefore no enemies. Life in it's purest form, sitting right beside me, saying nothing, doing nothing...just being itself giving me silent glances, yet not beckoning me to do anything. Life and me, staring at the walls. No need to cry. No need to ask. No need to validate my thoughts. Not the faintest need to be acknowledged either. Not the smallest want to be wanted.

I'm quite content with my beliefs that they need to be neither approved nor validated. I don't need your salutations either for they don't do anything to me anymore. I'm on the most content road ever. Im back in my mother's womb. I'm fresh and unaffected. Humans are programmed to receive. But in that reception lives a huge lie. A giant fake. A humungous disappointment. Because nothing is really forever. Nothing can be kept with you unless it's given to you by YOU. Everything else is temporary. People, friends, words, promises, gifts, bonds...everything is nothing. They will all be consumed by time and nature some day. Is there something that won't be swallowed by time? Is there something that won't be forsaken by a mere plethora of expectations?

The sense of peace I feel right now is surreal. One I never felt before. A territory I dared not tread before. It's amazing. I no longer suffer from the need to make or have friends. I'm quite 'blissed' out here. No one knows what they are here for, or the wheres or whys. No one cares what you have to say. There are echoes from a distant past, and I see lips moving...but nothing can really be heard in this dark hole.

And it's good. I have forgotten to smile but I have forgotten to cry too.In this nothingness lies a real sense of peace. Once you're broken beyond repair, that's when you realise your full potential, your purest form, yourself. Until you're 'broken' you will never really know what it is to live without others...you will never really learn to live as 'you'. I'm somewhere between life and death, but I'm not with you.

life.....

Only eyes will cry, not a single soul will weep
I feel this will happen, when for ever I'll sleep
I'm torn inside, inside only I cry
knowing it makes no difference whether i live or die
now I only breathe,I died long back
and people now think its emotions I lack
no-one to share my feelings, my soul always wept
the sorrows passed away, but the pain is still kept
the whole wide world alone I roam
and live in a lonely room, in a lonely home
when spring gives earth a new song to dance
it's my heart afraid of breaking that won't take a chance
then sunrays greet and turn everything to gold
but my heart remains cold
when earth gets a new life from the rain
there is nothing to look forward to, it was all in vain
then winter comes and another year will end and again
I wonder whether my life will ever mend
will there ever be someone, someone by my side?
but now its too late because long back I died

On my own........

I can’t do it. I have tried to do it so many times but I just can’t. Perhaps, I won’t. Yes, I am too shy to show you all my vulnerable side. I am too weak to make it clear. It’s an emotional suicide.

It doesn’t look like I can give anyone anything. I haven’t slept. I can’t connect. Am I crazy? I laugh too loud. I have no tears to cry. Sometimes I want to cry.

But, these feelings…. These feelings won’t go away. You know it is not easy. These thoughts don’t leave me. These feelings won’t go away. They have been knocking me all over the place. I keep thinking in the moment that time will take them away. But these feelings won’t go away.

So, here I stand. I can’t turn away. And I don’t want to cause you all any pain. But I can’t communicate.
So here I am.
And here I stand.
On my own again.

Flower yet unwanted....

Someone described me as a wild flower that flourishes even in adversity and brightens up evryone's life...I would say further..yet a wild flower is never wanted as any other flower.It always remains unwanted :-)

Understanding men....

Ok, I am no advice columnist, neither a psychologist nor specialized in any way in men’s psychology. I am just another woman who has her opinions.

They say, men and women always end up on the opposite ends. Women complain about how insensitive and “gross” men are and men whine about the cry-babies women can turn into.
Granted, there are differences but we have to learn to live with them, right?

Lets start with relationships. Men are committed. Period. If he is committed to you once probably he will remain committed to you for the rest of his life. But the problem is that you don’t really know when he is really committed. Sometimes women ‘think’ men are serious about the relationship but they are not and then they ‘cheat’ on the women.

Another thing women need to understand and tolerate is that men are big kids (Come on guys, accept it!). Deep down, all men are big ol' boys. (This explains why so many grown men wear baseball caps.) Their interests are boy-like, too. Take his obsession with sports. Most men love anything that involves kicking something, throwing things or punching other men. Sounds like 10-year-olds on the playground to you? Does to me. When you put three or more men together, they bond by yelling at the TV and being idiots to each other. Regressing into childlike behavior isn't just a means of amusing themselves — it's their way of escaping real-life pressures and feeling accepted as they are. There's no point in denying guys time to release their juvenile side. And hey, at least they're doing it during boys' night out and not in front of your friends or family!

Another thing I have learnt from my day to day life is that men don’t take hints. Whether its your friend, husband, boyfriend or brother, they just don’t. I think it is because when men are with other men, they don't tiptoe around each other and drop subtle suggestions. That's because hints don't register with guys. Women pride themselves on being able to know intuitively what their friends, husbands and kids are thinking, but men have no interest in reading minds. That's I've learned from men: "If you don't ask, you don't get." In relationships, I don't expect a guy to know exactly what I want — and whenever I do, I'm disappointed. If, for example, you want him to take you out for your birthday, you're wasting your time dropping hints like "Guess what day Friday is? It's someone's birthday!" If you do that, you'll be 80 before he takes you out. And while you're at it, don't hint about wanting a gift that's shiny and lasts forever: To him, you've just described a set of pots and pans.
But, if you do ask, chances are you will get it. Be it an expensive ring or a loving kiss, don’t hesitate to ask them for it.

Coming down to a more domestic level, women should all know that men don’t do their laundry until they are out of clean clothes. If this happens before then that means someone else is doing their laundry for them. Sometimes, their dirty laundry even comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

A couple more things to keep in mind:

Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to their manhood. Just spare him the misery.

Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

If he has to sit through “Notting Hill”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay… maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…

Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

But in the end, remember that men are human. We all are. We are unique and we have our own individuality. You will not go anywhere in understanding someone if you keep on putting them in one stereotypical category or another.

Good luck Ladies! :-)

(Some ideas taken from a magazine, Forgot the exact issue and name)

Imperfect is for me............

All I can think about is the hows, whys and whats of things. How did I let myself go that far? When did it happen? Why does it feel so right?There are some things in life you want so badly that there is no other alternative. No scratch that. There is always an alternative. Sometimes even a better one, but it would never make you feel the same way. It could make you feel better, it wouldn't make you feel the same. I am selfish. I want to feel the "same", the way I have always felt. The way he made me feel. Does it make any sense?

Alternatives are sometimes a more practical and economical option. I say economical because trust me Love costs you A LOT, more than anything could ever cost you and I dont mean in the monetary terms.. But alternatives are like eating a frozen yogurt instead of ice-cream. It is healthier but it will never satisfy your craving; it will never make you feel the SAME. Do you see where I am going with this?

Sometimes you meet someone and you know it is not going to be a perfect relation.For some odd reason you still want to give it a try for the hell of it. Yeah, I gave it a try for the hell of it, and now I can't think about being with a perfectly compatible person that may or may not exist. Because that imperfect person is the One for me. I like the imperfection in us. I like the yelling and the screaming and the fact that I can be way too emotional and he can be way to logical at times. I like that he is very specific about his outlook where as I could care less about mine. I want him to yell at me for talking too loudly or for being irritating at times. I want to yell at him for not going to bed at a proper time or having cigarettes, or being too careless.

I cannot believe I am admitting all of this. I, who always wanted everything perfect. But I do. I have learned that happiness is not in perfection. It is in the screaming and the yelling. It is not in the perfect romantic evening but in an ordinary weekday night when you go to a Pizza Hut because you are too lazy to go elsewhere and eat it straight out of the box. Happiness is not about having what you want but wanting what you have.

At a loss to describe it.......

There is something comforting about talking to you before going to bed at night. I can’t quite put my finger on it but I know there is something different about the whole ritual. Something feels right when I blab about absolutely nothing at all with my eyes half closed. May be it is the combination of a tired body and a sleepy mind but it does feel kind of… umm… what’s the word? I can’t find a word!

Perhaps it’s because hearing your voice keeps me warm or maybe it is the way you wish me good night that put me in an almost…. (again, what’s the word?!)


I like talking to you. I like struggling for words while my mind drifts into slumber. I like having the feeling that when I wake up in the morning I'll talk to you again. I think it is the confidence of knowing and believing that keeps me satisfied and sends me peacefully to the dream world every night.

It’s just that magical feeling. Again, I can’t put my finger on it… but you know the feeling I am talking about, right?
:-)

Love.............

“Do you know what love is like?” She asked.

“No,” was the response.

“Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin?"

“Only all the time!” :-)

“Well that’s what love is like," she said quietly. “Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you are not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance.

You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you...You can’t see that you are about to fall...”