It happens in the evening, when you come back from college, throw your room keys on the desk and think now what ? What do I do ?
After few moments of pondering you grab a juice or some water and take a sip..After a long day where you are so busy that you dont even notice you are alone, you get so used and adaptive to work that it takes you time to settle down in the calm domesticity of your room.Sometimes my room appears to be someone elses..there's always a differance between how I leave my room while leaving for college in morning and the way I find it in the evening.
The room seems to ask me questions.."Hey, now you dont know how to kill time till sleep knocks on your eye lids? " and I get irritaed not because I dont want to answer rather at my loss of answer.
I switch on my laptop, frisking away from the college mail id and head for the messenger, trying to connect to long lost friends..and then I feel a little secure I am not alone..people are there on the web asking me how am I.
But the worst nightmare is when I dont find anyone there..I feel lost and I feel like a little kid sitting coyly under the table about to be found by her friends in the game of hide and seek.
No wonder why I lose everytime I play this hide and seek
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Silly boy
'Go and talk to them...I am not on talking terms with you anymore'
Silly boy, I thought to myself.
I could not think of anything to say at that moment. I gave it another try with the words, the stupid words that undermine every emotion,but nothing came out.I hope there were better ways to explain it to him.I wish there was a better way to tell him about the painful, undeniable love that kicks my better judgement into a bottomless canyon.The kind that makes me want to sing him cheesy love songs, feed him with my hands, to help him fall asleep in my arms, to cook him food, to make him laugh, to let him pick the movies that we watch, even the ones I hate..and to kiss him endlessly.
They say a woman's imagination runs wild.it travels from admiration to love and from love to matrimony in a moment.He is a man.How would he know that I have already danced with him in the clouds, savoured every nook and corner of his face in my memory, sat down for hours and did nothing but thought about him? How would he know that my heart literally screams when I see his sad face ? How can he see that I feel his presence around me all the time even in the busiest times of the day ? That my love has become a constant sensation which nothing has been able to interrupt and it only alternates between absolute and tender devotion to acute agony throughout the day.
He wouldnt understand.He thinks it does not matter to me if he is there or not.
Silly boy.....
Silly boy, I thought to myself.
I could not think of anything to say at that moment. I gave it another try with the words, the stupid words that undermine every emotion,but nothing came out.I hope there were better ways to explain it to him.I wish there was a better way to tell him about the painful, undeniable love that kicks my better judgement into a bottomless canyon.The kind that makes me want to sing him cheesy love songs, feed him with my hands, to help him fall asleep in my arms, to cook him food, to make him laugh, to let him pick the movies that we watch, even the ones I hate..and to kiss him endlessly.
They say a woman's imagination runs wild.it travels from admiration to love and from love to matrimony in a moment.He is a man.How would he know that I have already danced with him in the clouds, savoured every nook and corner of his face in my memory, sat down for hours and did nothing but thought about him? How would he know that my heart literally screams when I see his sad face ? How can he see that I feel his presence around me all the time even in the busiest times of the day ? That my love has become a constant sensation which nothing has been able to interrupt and it only alternates between absolute and tender devotion to acute agony throughout the day.
He wouldnt understand.He thinks it does not matter to me if he is there or not.
Silly boy.....
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
He writes for me-An Ode
Here comes one of the most special post of this blog. Long back I had promised you all will make him do a guest post here, remeber ? Well here it is
I am speechless right now, by this unexpected gesture.So I'll get back to you all later.Meanwhile read it and hopefully you all will get it why do I love him the way I do :)
You may not be the most beautiful person on this earth, but you surely, are one of those cutie-pies on this earth, who never think once before giving their all. You have helped in every sphere of life. You are a clear soul. You are beautiful. I don't really understand what makes you feel that you aren't. You irritate me a lot when you say that. x-( grrrr....I feel like slapping you hard when we are at disparity. Anyways, change your habit of disagreeing with me at every point. I simply hate it! Feel like nabbing your neck at such moments. :P
I will miss these days a few days later. They have been the most exciting and enjoyable days to me. I had never imagined that you would bring me happiness unbound. You know what... you have helped me at stages I would never have expected help from the most trustworthy people.
We are often at loggerheads at this, arguably, feeble stuff: "You don't understand me." Well, I do. I understand you a lot. You, probably, will never know how much. That doesn't vex me, because at unfathomable depths of my heart, I know I care. Hence, it shouldn't vex you.
Trust me... I have never found a person like you. Never! I am skeptical if will ever find one. What are you created of? What is your genesis? Human? amm... perhaps, not. Do you feed on ambrosia? I ask that because you don't seem human. You hardly exhibit virtues of a human soul. It is divine. I feel honoured to be with you, when your closest friends have either never met you, or do not get to meet you often.
Do not crumbled under the notion that I don't care, and don't get emotional. You know I am a sentimental fool. There is something I'd like to bring to your attention. You know why you are not at good terms with people around you? You are in a bad world, baby. This place lacks people like you. When they find their characteristics bickering with yours, they are bound to create commotion. It doesn't mean that you are at fault. Angels are destined to be at conflict with demons. (And you know that most people here even look like them. For instance, A*i****, *i**). Your amateurish dreams often make me smile. Your figments are so fabricated that they enable me envisage your mind and purity of your soul. Our li'l scuffles, my paranoic demands, will probably, never make me forget you. I may, somedays later, reproach 'Time' for its graduation in crescendo. I wish I could be here forever; I wish I could depend upon you forever. This post is getting on my nerves now. I can feel plethora of emotions pushing against my cornea, ready to make their way out as tears. I wish I could hold time. I wish I could take you along.
I am speechless right now, by this unexpected gesture.So I'll get back to you all later.Meanwhile read it and hopefully you all will get it why do I love him the way I do :)
You may not be the most beautiful person on this earth, but you surely, are one of those cutie-pies on this earth, who never think once before giving their all. You have helped in every sphere of life. You are a clear soul. You are beautiful. I don't really understand what makes you feel that you aren't. You irritate me a lot when you say that. x-( grrrr....I feel like slapping you hard when we are at disparity. Anyways, change your habit of disagreeing with me at every point. I simply hate it! Feel like nabbing your neck at such moments. :P
I will miss these days a few days later. They have been the most exciting and enjoyable days to me. I had never imagined that you would bring me happiness unbound. You know what... you have helped me at stages I would never have expected help from the most trustworthy people.
We are often at loggerheads at this, arguably, feeble stuff: "You don't understand me." Well, I do. I understand you a lot. You, probably, will never know how much. That doesn't vex me, because at unfathomable depths of my heart, I know I care. Hence, it shouldn't vex you.
Trust me... I have never found a person like you. Never! I am skeptical if will ever find one. What are you created of? What is your genesis? Human? amm... perhaps, not. Do you feed on ambrosia? I ask that because you don't seem human. You hardly exhibit virtues of a human soul. It is divine. I feel honoured to be with you, when your closest friends have either never met you, or do not get to meet you often.
Do not crumbled under the notion that I don't care, and don't get emotional. You know I am a sentimental fool. There is something I'd like to bring to your attention. You know why you are not at good terms with people around you? You are in a bad world, baby. This place lacks people like you. When they find their characteristics bickering with yours, they are bound to create commotion. It doesn't mean that you are at fault. Angels are destined to be at conflict with demons. (And you know that most people here even look like them. For instance, A*i****, *i**). Your amateurish dreams often make me smile. Your figments are so fabricated that they enable me envisage your mind and purity of your soul. Our li'l scuffles, my paranoic demands, will probably, never make me forget you. I may, somedays later, reproach 'Time' for its graduation in crescendo. I wish I could be here forever; I wish I could depend upon you forever. This post is getting on my nerves now. I can feel plethora of emotions pushing against my cornea, ready to make their way out as tears. I wish I could hold time. I wish I could take you along.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Weight on my heart
I feel the gram of weight now.I feel it while he falls asleep talking to me.Just like that he falls asleep today as I sit right next to him.It might sound cliched but he looks like an angel - that is what he looks like to me- a beautiful but restless angel. The light from the lamp behind him almost makes a halo around his face.
I am frozen in my place. I do not want to move a muscle in case I wake him up.He needs a rest- a long peaceful rest to help him revive the beautiful life in him.
He sleeps on his belly holding the pillow tight, just like I do. His brows frown from time to time as if his mind is still struggling with something while his body has given up. I want to touch his face and caress his hair but I curb the temptation fearing that I will wake him up.He shifts in his place from time to time, not tossing or turning, rather shifting restlessly. He looks like a troubled kid who should be lulled to sleep every night. I smile at the thought.
And I feel that gram of weight- the inability to hold him in my arms and rock him to a peaceful sleep. The helplessness of wanting him and yet not getting him. That powerful desire to make him happy- to love him.
I restrain myself and with it comes that gram of weight I was telling you about.
I am frozen in my place. I do not want to move a muscle in case I wake him up.He needs a rest- a long peaceful rest to help him revive the beautiful life in him.
He sleeps on his belly holding the pillow tight, just like I do. His brows frown from time to time as if his mind is still struggling with something while his body has given up. I want to touch his face and caress his hair but I curb the temptation fearing that I will wake him up.He shifts in his place from time to time, not tossing or turning, rather shifting restlessly. He looks like a troubled kid who should be lulled to sleep every night. I smile at the thought.
And I feel that gram of weight- the inability to hold him in my arms and rock him to a peaceful sleep. The helplessness of wanting him and yet not getting him. That powerful desire to make him happy- to love him.
I restrain myself and with it comes that gram of weight I was telling you about.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Pain....
Do you think there comes a point where the pain just stops ? Or is it never ending ?
Isint there a point when you no longer care because you know that it could not possibly hurt anymore ? The pain is absolved and the fear is gone because there is nothing left of your soul to be ripped apart. When it happens, you sit on the floor, your back to the door and just stare at the wall. Somehow the emptiness is comforting then. You dont want to stand up because you know exactly what is waiting for you on the other side of the door.Some people tell me that they see the darkness begin to rise from the floor. They can no longer fight off the darkness. Hence they welcome it inside them.
The light goes out, the soul extinguishes and the pain disapears
Is that how the pain disappears ?
Isint there a point when you no longer care because you know that it could not possibly hurt anymore ? The pain is absolved and the fear is gone because there is nothing left of your soul to be ripped apart. When it happens, you sit on the floor, your back to the door and just stare at the wall. Somehow the emptiness is comforting then. You dont want to stand up because you know exactly what is waiting for you on the other side of the door.Some people tell me that they see the darkness begin to rise from the floor. They can no longer fight off the darkness. Hence they welcome it inside them.
The light goes out, the soul extinguishes and the pain disapears
Is that how the pain disappears ?
Friday, January 8, 2010
.................
Every single time I watch your eyes
as they watch me leave
They do not flinch.
I pause, and look for a sign
something to stop me from going.
Sometimes in the haze of your eyes
I see an old passion glowing,
but too soon, alas, is it overpowered
by an angry ruthless indifferance
and a hatred for what you see on my face
something you once held in reverence.
It pains me to watch you quit
on my right to you, on your right to me,
It pains me the way you acknowledge
I'll come back tomorrow, wherever I be
I wish you would stop me, and never let me go
I wish you could own me like you once did, and vice versa
But the ice doesnt break
You shut your eyes on me.
as they watch me leave
They do not flinch.
I pause, and look for a sign
something to stop me from going.
Sometimes in the haze of your eyes
I see an old passion glowing,
but too soon, alas, is it overpowered
by an angry ruthless indifferance
and a hatred for what you see on my face
something you once held in reverence.
It pains me to watch you quit
on my right to you, on your right to me,
It pains me the way you acknowledge
I'll come back tomorrow, wherever I be
I wish you would stop me, and never let me go
I wish you could own me like you once did, and vice versa
But the ice doesnt break
You shut your eyes on me.
Friday, January 1, 2010
happy new year
First post of 2010 !!!
I am thankful to everyone here for supporting me throughout my journey as a blogger.It was truly an awesome experience knowing you all, posting comments on your blogs,getting comments, exchanging views but most importantly enjoying it.You people made blogging really worth for me. Thanx a tonn :-)
May 2010 bring best of bestest things in your life, take care always, enjoy :-)
For being so supportive , I would like to give this 'nothing is as sweet as you' award to every follower of mine as a token of thanks, kindly accept it :-)
Keep blogging and keep rocking!!! :D
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