Conversations.....

Now that I am gearing up for the job scene Bro and me have been talking about driving.

Well, given that it would be a daily thing it would be pretty stupid running every morning to get an auto. Learning to drive might be, err…a better thing to do.

So, the conversation:

Bro: You must learn how to drive.

Kuki: Yeah, I know. May be I should!

Bro: No may be. You must! And if you do i’ll get you a car of your own....

Kuki: Arrey waah. That’s a nice idea

Bro: We can get you a nano. Enough for you!

Kuki: Bah. Get me a scooty. Kinetic types. Then I’ll go around town on my two-wheeler…

Bro: No chance. You know how Delhi or Bangalore drivers are. I don’t trust them. I will worry about safety.

Kuki: Oh ho please. I am a cool cat. I’ll hurl abuses left, right and center. Don’t worry about me.

Bro: I totally trust you will. Its not you I am worried about.

Kuki: So then what’s the problem?

Bro: When I said they can’t be trusted, I meant with their lives. With you on the road, they can only last as long…I am worried about their safety.

Kuki: !!!

I want........

I want to forget that I have to wake up tomorrow and struggle again......
I want to forget that I have to study hard and get through an exam...

I want to stop worrying all the time....

I want to get carefree again.....
I want to get over the fear that I'll let them down...
I want to forget the things I couldn't get despite fighting back so hard...
I want to forget that I was not good enough...
I want to forget that I am never missed, even a little...
I want to forget that may be I'd never fall in love again...
I want to forget that may be no one would ever love me the way I want them to...
I want to forget the pain that is inside me always...
I want to forget that I am alone all over again...
I want to forget all the Rights and Wrongs, all the Dos and Don'ts ...
I want to forget all the wisdom.....
And just live...

I want to dance in the rain and drown in music...
I want to fall asleep in someone's arms...
I want to love and be loved in return...
I want to sail in a boat at the sunset...
I want to wake up to the sun rising from the mountains...
I want to fall asleep watching the stars...
I want to be peaceful and happy...
I want to live, simply live... :)

Knowing........

Suddenly, all I can think about are all the things I don't know about him. All the things I never had the chance to learn. I don't know if his feet are ticklish or how long his toes are. I don't know what nightmares he had as a child. I don't know which stars are his favorites, what shapes he sees in the clouds. I have no clue what he writes in his journal or if he writes at all. I don't know what he is truly afraid of or what memories he holds closest.

I don't know how he holds his pen or if he shakes his leg when he is waiting on something. I don't know how his breath smells like . I don't know how his hair feels like or if his hands remain hot or cold. I do not know. And I don't have enough time now, never enough time. I want to be in the moment with him, feel his body against mine and think of nothing else, but my mind explodes with grief for all that I am missing. All that I will miss. All that we have wasted.

Perhaps you can afford to wait. Perhaps for you there's a tomorrow. Perhaps you have many many tomorrow's to come that you can let the todays slide and have so much time that you can waste. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Watch me burn....

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...But that's alright because I like the way it hurts...," the laptop sang and so did I. It was dark and we were on the phone chit chatting.

I felt, over the phone, that he is looking at me.

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but that's alright because I love the way you lie...," the laptop continued and I turned the volume up.

He looked at me again. This time he sighed audibly before turning back to what we were talking about.

Eminem started rapping, and I lost myself somewhere in the beat.

"Why do you like sad songs?" his voice brought me back.

"It's not really a sad song," I replied while turning the volume down.

"Of course it is, the woman is talking about burning herself, what more do you want?" he asked seriously.

I chuckled at his response.

"I am serious, why do you like such depressing songs?" he asked again.

"This one, has deep lyrics, so it attracts me," I responded vaguely.

"What deep lyrics... the guy is bad to her and she loves him for that?"

"She doesn't love him for that, but she loves him anyway," I replied.

"But it doesn't make sense," he replied with a confused tone.

I looked at him and said, "I hope this never makes sense to you, my dear."

I sighed, knowing fully how much the understanding makes my heart hurt. But my sigh was drowned somewhere in the music.

Scattered pieces............

I dont know if it is typical male dumbness or what ....but you dont even understand just what all you have ruined for me....can you understand....resigining yourself to the kind of future others have carved out for you ...but looking forward to the kind of present you can make for yourself...knowing that your tomorrow is not yours...but you can live your today the way you want to....wanting desperately to live your today to the fullest the way you want so that tomorrow you go and do your duty which has been chosen for you.

Then someone comes along and it all changes.....someone comes along and shows you dreams...shows you the kind of future you can have then cruelly snatches it away from you ....whats more...in cruelly snatching that away...he makes living the future that was carved out for you even harder...because now you have turned into a cold bitter woman....who cannot love anyone again...because now you have this, to remember life long.

Then the icing on the cake...this person ruins your today too....so that nothing is left for tomorrow....today too you cannot live the way you want....your today is getting wasted picking up the pieces of your life...by the time you pick up all the pieces that are scattered on the floor...the time will come for you to hand over all these pieces to someone else...to arrange them in the way they want 2........