Knowing........

Suddenly, all I can think about are all the things I don't know about him. All the things I never had the chance to learn. I don't know if his feet are ticklish or how long his toes are. I don't know what nightmares he had as a child. I don't know which stars are his favorites, what shapes he sees in the clouds. I have no clue what he writes in his journal or if he writes at all. I don't know what he is truly afraid of or what memories he holds closest.

I don't know how he holds his pen or if he shakes his leg when he is waiting on something. I don't know how his breath smells like . I don't know how his hair feels like or if his hands remain hot or cold. I do not know. And I don't have enough time now, never enough time. I want to be in the moment with him, feel his body against mine and think of nothing else, but my mind explodes with grief for all that I am missing. All that I will miss. All that we have wasted.

Perhaps you can afford to wait. Perhaps for you there's a tomorrow. Perhaps you have many many tomorrow's to come that you can let the todays slide and have so much time that you can waste. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Watch me burn....

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn...But that's alright because I like the way it hurts...," the laptop sang and so did I. It was dark and we were on the phone chit chatting.

I felt, over the phone, that he is looking at me.

"Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but that's alright because I love the way you lie...," the laptop continued and I turned the volume up.

He looked at me again. This time he sighed audibly before turning back to what we were talking about.

Eminem started rapping, and I lost myself somewhere in the beat.

"Why do you like sad songs?" his voice brought me back.

"It's not really a sad song," I replied while turning the volume down.

"Of course it is, the woman is talking about burning herself, what more do you want?" he asked seriously.

I chuckled at his response.

"I am serious, why do you like such depressing songs?" he asked again.

"This one, has deep lyrics, so it attracts me," I responded vaguely.

"What deep lyrics... the guy is bad to her and she loves him for that?"

"She doesn't love him for that, but she loves him anyway," I replied.

"But it doesn't make sense," he replied with a confused tone.

I looked at him and said, "I hope this never makes sense to you, my dear."

I sighed, knowing fully how much the understanding makes my heart hurt. But my sigh was drowned somewhere in the music.

Value........

I have seen women lifted by love.
Countless women surrounded, fed, embraced by love.
But most recently, I have met a woman condemned by love
Alienated, starved, forgotten by love.
The pain from love is visible in the eyes, heart and soul of this woman.
She who lives for love, who would die for love.
Curiosity forces me to look deep into her.

Eyes tell of a man whose love was taken away as quickly as was given.
A man whose compassion drowned in these eyes.
Taking advantage of the faith and fogiveness she possesses.
Tears roll down her cheeks and begin to drip from her delicate chin.
As sympathy overwhelms me, I invite myself for a better look.

A bleeding heart welcomes me to the truth behind this love.
What once was bliss has transformed.
The love that filled now forces her to starve.
An endless hunger that consumes, leaving nothing for this woman.
This man has stripped her of all that she loved, including himself.
He has laughed when she was in sorrow and found comfort when she was miserable.
My heart breaks for her as she opens up to let me in.

One foot after the other, I step into her soul.
My thoughts echo, as I begin to connect with her sorrows.
"Stop," catches her attention as I began to reason with her.
"Do not give yourself to this man."
Confusion fills her as she wakes to catch my gaze.
"If your love, your life mean so little to you that you can just give it away, why should it mean anymore to him ? "
I hear these words and reality sets in.

I have met this woman in love.
Alienated, starved, forgotten by love.
I have seen into her eyes, felt her heartache and visited her soul.
This person whose sorrow connects so genuinely with mine...is ME!
I have given my life to a man who has never asked nor has he ever cared for it.
I have believed and made true all the lies.
I have accepted inferiority, for how can he value me more than I value myself ?

Ranjha

Ranjha Ranjha kerdi ni main apey Ranjha hoyi,

Ranjha Ranjha saddo ni menu heer na aakho koi

[Repeating the name of Ranjha, I have become Ranjha myself.

O call me ye all Ranjha, let no one call me Heer]

As I hear these melodious words fill the air around me, my heart yearns for his. With my eyes closed, I hum along while my exhausted head starts to sketch him in the darkness of the night.

My heart then desires for him to listen to me sing this melody, but more than that, I am tempted to explain it to him. To explain the essence of each phrase, of each feeling that resonates in Bulleh Shah's poetry and consequently my own affection. But I have learned to control this temptation, just as I have learned to not speak of many things I wish to speak of and to share with him my truest emotions.

I know that singing these words by my bedside and feeling the love I feel, will not bring him any closer to me. Yet, I fill the air with these words.

Jal ja, jal ja Ishq mein jal ja, jale se kundan ho

Jalti raakh laga le maathey, lagey to chundan hoye

[Burn, burn, burn in the fire of passion, for its only when you burn that you turn to gold.

Rub the ashes on your forehead, so you may find some peace]

Sulagtey koyle, re koyle, ab bujhna mushkil hai...

[These burning coals - my heart, continues to burn]

Blurts....

If I could just see you

Everything would be alright

If I'd see you

The darkness would turn to light.

The most painful thing is to tell someone you love them,

and not hear it back in return.

The distance might not bother you, but it bothers me.Immensely.

And it bothers me, that it doesn't bother you at all.

All for you...none for me....

You might not see me sometimes....

but I have visions only for you.

You might not hear me sometimes....

but I have sounds only for you.

You might not feel me sometimes....

but I have sensations only for you.

You might not care for me sometimes....

but I have feelings only for you.

You might not feel my presence sometimes....

but I am there always for you.

I am your shadow, you are my vista

I am what you want me to be for you.

Ishq.........

There comes a point in love when it doesn't hurt anymore. You feel nothing but love. Your love for the object of your affection and nothing else.

It'd complete submission.You cant go any further than that. You love without wondering how they feel about you. Sometimes you love without even knowing where they are, and if you will ever be able to see them again. Worries about whether you will be able to spend a lifetime with that person are so trivial to you because your love is greater than that.

I have learned that when you completely love someone you let go of all your desires.You just love. Not many people can actually wrap their heads around the idea but it makes complete sense to me. It brings me satisfaction.

Loving someone should always be easy. Relationships are complicated, love isin't. Too often we confuse the two together. Loving like that gives me the courage to go on.

I have loved another with all my heart, and to me that has always been enough.

I have felt him...

Just as air around me, like sky above my head, I have felt you with me in all the joys and sorrows. For all things I asked and you gave me, I am filled with gratitude.
For all those wishes which remained unfulfilled I was furious on you.Sometimes they shake my faith on you but you always gave answers for every why I had in my mind.Sooner or later, I got my answers.
You never said a word, but you answered me in the best possible way.With every answer, I became more firm about the bond we share.The bond we share is unique and one of its kind.From my experiences, now I understand I had been fool or silly at those times.
Like a stubborn kid asking for knife, I had been asking for wrong things! But like a mother who will let the child cry but will not give her knife, just for her safety.You thought more wisely about me than me.You made me realise that I am really blessed
Love you.....

A Happy V Day To Me

I am human too and this day is as special to me as any other human includin him,his loved ones, you all or any other random person.Yes..even if I am not loved by anyone..even if no one cares about the pain with which I live everyday...this day is imp and special for me too.Wish anyone could understand that.

I went out today...with my classmates..to celebrate...so what if no one loves me and no one gives a damn...Valentines day isint just a holiday for lovers.Its a festival to celebrate love for the people you are close to: friends,parents,siblings,mentors, even classmates.People usually associate it with just being a romantic occassion.Its about appreciating those closest to you, whether you are committed or single.I wont stop living just because some people are so insensitive when it comes to me,around me.

Since the day I have come here to do MBA somehow I lost touch with all my friends the way we used to.Today I messaged each one of them be it on phone or online and the whole day talked to them.Sourabh,mayank,andy,lucky,shai,gaurav...everyone.And I loved it :) Was like going back to the good old days

I did what valentines day is all about, showing love and kindness to someone you love...and I love myself even if others dont :)

Untitled.....

Circumstances change, people change, and you change.But, what if you start missing terribly, the 'old' you and the set of people that made you what you were sometime back ?

Someday, you get up and realise that, those people who constructed your past, are now just a small part of your present.Suddenly, you realise that everyone around you right now, are the people who are constructing your present.And you hate them all ? They dont value you and maybe thats why even you dont value them.

Another set of people are those, who were a part of your past, and are much more a part of your present. But they have changed, more than you could have ever imagined. They are the same people, and you love them like earlier, but there is something differant now. And that something, you are unable to understand. You are unable to figure it out after days of brainstorming. At the end, you are helpless, and accept them the way they are now, for the fear of letting them go takes over.You are helpless and hurt, and more than confused. You cant figure out what went wrong, and the confusion continues. For now, you seem to be alone. Life is not exactly what you had imagined it to be.

Kuki, stop expecting from people around you. And face the reality they are showing you every now and then. You dont matter to them.For God's sake stop believing that you do. It is not the way it used to be, no one is there to listen. Dont shed tears. They are hardly noticed.

Dedication....

You were never in any of my plans.You never existed a year ago to me.My life was all about me and my family and my career and my friends and my studies and my...oh well, my life was just a big fat MY.

I dont think I liked you so much when I met you.I dont think I ever dreamed of waking up to see a calm serene face as it sleeps every morning.I dont think I ever thought of putting someones name behind mine and thinking of how would it sound.

I never dreamed of waking up to someones kisses .I never dreamed of unrequited love in my life, for did I not think that all love is conditional?

I never thought I would ask for anyones opinion before I did a thing.Never thought I wont do something simply because he doesnt like it.I never thought I could ever be so selfless or so loving or so caring or so tender.

I never thought, I would ever pray HIM for someones longevity.I never thought I could want living my life with this one single man by my side forever.

I was never a traditional person.Was always a big time feminist.Friends still refer to me as Kiran Bedi and Phooloan Devi :). I never thought I could listen to one single man so much.Never thought someones opinion would matter so much.

But I do all that now.Every of the above things.Even now, when I write of you, I write about myself.Unseen, unheard, you crept up into my life and I see that I am, who I am now, all pretences shed.I see how it feels when someone has the power of bringing tears to your eyes.

For a life gone by, I have but one regret.Why did you not meet me earlier? Why did you make me wade through all the wrong people in the world before we met ?
Why did you not bring out the best in me earlier like you do now ? Why did you not come by sooner, so that I could understand what it means to say I love you and mean it and what it means craving to hear I love you and knowing that it is more than just a statement, that it is a promise, a committment, a lifetime, a sense of togetherness, something that says that I will forgo my happiness to see you happy.Why cant you be mine, in the next birth too ?

Echo of this silence

When I lose you, my love
I am scared, not of
Years spent
And neither shall I
Find myself unable to live without you

(I'll be strong and move on
And all that, you know!)

What does scare me, love
Is the thought of
My dreams, trashed-
Rendered pointless
Of Pain excruciating,
But meaningless
Of a pain that will, dim with time
But wont fade away

There are things you are not supposed to
Talk objectively about
And I dread being talked of
Objectively- as a temporary part of your past,
As your past,
Like a long-forgotten taste of
Your favourite flavoured coffee

And sunshine, dont let my memory
Come as a lump of guilt
Or a pang of heartache
Or a moment of sundown
Let it play, in the twitch of your smile

And promise me,
That a part of me, will continue to live in you
And I swear that,
A part of you, shall forever be in my soul

Silly boy

'Go and talk to them...I am not on talking terms with you anymore'
Silly boy, I thought to myself.

I could not think of anything to say at that moment. I gave it another try with the words, the stupid words that undermine every emotion,but nothing came out.I hope there were better ways to explain it to him.I wish there was a better way to tell him about the painful, undeniable love that kicks my better judgement into a bottomless canyon.The kind that makes me want to sing him cheesy love songs, feed him with my hands, to help him fall asleep in my arms, to cook him food, to make him laugh, to let him pick the movies that we watch, even the ones I hate..and to kiss him endlessly.

They say a woman's imagination runs wild.it travels from admiration to love and from love to matrimony in a moment.He is a man.How would he know that I have already danced with him in the clouds, savoured every nook and corner of his face in my memory, sat down for hours and did nothing but thought about him? How would he know that my heart literally screams when I see his sad face ? How can he see that I feel his presence around me all the time even in the busiest times of the day ? That my love has become a constant sensation which nothing has been able to interrupt and it only alternates between absolute and tender devotion to acute agony throughout the day.

He wouldnt understand.He thinks it does not matter to me if he is there or not.

Silly boy.....

He writes for me-An Ode

Here comes one of the most special post of this blog. Long back I had promised you all will make him do a guest post here, remeber ? Well here it is
I am speechless right now, by this unexpected gesture.So I'll get back to you all later.Meanwhile read it and hopefully you all will get it why do I love him the way I do :)

You may not be the most beautiful person on this earth, but you surely, are one of those cutie-pies on this earth, who never think once before giving their all. You have helped in every sphere of life. You are a clear soul. You are beautiful. I don't really understand what makes you feel that you aren't. You irritate me a lot when you say that. x-( grrrr....I feel like slapping you hard when we are at disparity. Anyways, change your habit of disagreeing with me at every point. I simply hate it! Feel like nabbing your neck at such moments. :P

I will miss these days a few days later. They have been the most exciting and enjoyable days to me. I had never imagined that you would bring me happiness unbound. You know what... you have helped me at stages I would never have expected help from the most trustworthy people.

We are often at loggerheads at this, arguably, feeble stuff: "You don't understand me." Well, I do. I understand you a lot. You, probably, will never know how much. That doesn't vex me, because at unfathomable depths of my heart, I know I care. Hence, it shouldn't vex you.

Trust me... I have never found a person like you. Never! I am skeptical if will ever find one. What are you created of? What is your genesis? Human? amm... perhaps, not. Do you feed on ambrosia? I ask that because you don't seem human. You hardly exhibit virtues of a human soul. It is divine. I feel honoured to be with you, when your closest friends have either never met you, or do not get to meet you often.

Do not crumbled under the notion that I don't care, and don't get emotional. You know I am a sentimental fool. There is something I'd like to bring to your attention. You know why you are not at good terms with people around you? You are in a bad world, baby. This place lacks people like you. When they find their characteristics bickering with yours, they are bound to create commotion. It doesn't mean that you are at fault. Angels are destined to be at conflict with demons. (And you know that most people here even look like them. For instance, A*i****, *i**). Your amateurish dreams often make me smile. Your figments are so fabricated that they enable me envisage your mind and purity of your soul. Our li'l scuffles, my paranoic demands, will probably, never make me forget you. I may, somedays later, reproach 'Time' for its graduation in crescendo. I wish I could be here forever; I wish I could depend upon you forever. This post is getting on my nerves now. I can feel plethora of emotions pushing against my cornea, ready to make their way out as tears. I wish I could hold time. I wish I could take you along.

Weight on my heart

I feel the gram of weight now.I feel it while he falls asleep talking to me.Just like that he falls asleep today as I sit right next to him.It might sound cliched but he looks like an angel - that is what he looks like to me- a beautiful but restless angel. The light from the lamp behind him almost makes a halo around his face.

I am frozen in my place. I do not want to move a muscle in case I wake him up.He needs a rest- a long peaceful rest to help him revive the beautiful life in him.

He sleeps on his belly holding the pillow tight, just like I do. His brows frown from time to time as if his mind is still struggling with something while his body has given up. I want to touch his face and caress his hair but I curb the temptation fearing that I will wake him up.He shifts in his place from time to time, not tossing or turning, rather shifting restlessly. He looks like a troubled kid who should be lulled to sleep every night. I smile at the thought.

And I feel that gram of weight- the inability to hold him in my arms and rock him to a peaceful sleep. The helplessness of wanting him and yet not getting him. That powerful desire to make him happy- to love him.

I restrain myself and with it comes that gram of weight I was telling you about.

Nothing without you........

I used to have a very strict self designed code of conduct: how to laugh, how to weep, how to speak, how to behave, how to react and so on.He used to admire every move of mine.I started feeling that divine hand had bound some hidden wires of us that he feels comfort with even very weird act of mine.Then relation started getting stronger and stronger.My love kept on increasing and his acceptance kept on decreasing.I became a spot that always received criticism.When I asked him, "are you not feeling feasible with me ?"He candidly replied, "Yup, some features of your personality really hurt me". I said, "but dear, that's my nature".He said in an even more candid way, "then turn around and find some other way for you". I followed his command just like ever, I turned around but oh!! There was nothing other than chaos behind me.I screamed and knelt down before him.He stood there with folded arms in a rather indifferant manner but with a question mark on his face that why I again came back. I looked up, towards his face.My lips were badly stuck but my eyes pleaded, "my past, future and present have submerged themselves in you. I cant go back, I cant move forward, and I cant even stay in the present moment with you. You have the right to discard me, but I cant let you go because I love you so much."

My dear.......

I am not sure exactly why am I writing to him and why do I choose to write here. I suppose he will read this sooner or later, and may be then he will understand.

I think I write this for my sake as well… to keep some sort of record.

She wonders where they go wrong, she wonders what they do that takes them just a second to turn so cold from being all caring and honest. The unpredictability that they have just gives her the chills.She wonders about the mood swings, the sarcastic comments, the whinnings and the downright awful fights.

She cherishes what they have between them.More than anything else, she cherishes what they have between them. She cherishes what they had since they first met. She cherishes all the IMs and the late night talks about the whole world.

She only asks for him. she only asks for the person she was herself with. She asks for him,a person who cared, who talked non-stop, who fought for her, who spent hours with her yet complained of having less time and who confided in her. She remembers the person who would tell her everything and would expect to know everthing. The person who was her comfort zone and she was his.

She misses the person she has shared countless memories with, she misses the person who was practically her “alarm clock” every morning, and her late night lullaby for it was his thoughts that woke her up, his thoughts that lulled her to sleep.

"You are better off in your circle because I dont see myself as a part of it anymore.So let us concentrate on our own business"

She misses the person who could never fight with her, who got equally upset if they did, if not more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who gets upset more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who loves and cares more.She misses the person who craved her company as much as she craved his, if not more.

"That is your problem girl,you never think you are wrong and have this attitutde"

He was the only one with whom she could talk about everything.He was the only person who would tolerate her childish behavior…He was the only one she depended upon.He was the only one she could count on.

Besides him, she never went out with anyone.Others did, everyone did, here or anywhere else but she did not

Besides him,she never really whined in front of anyone. She never teased anyone to the extent she had teased him. She was never as rude to someone as she had been to him.She never really shouted at anyone else either.

He was the only person who was ready to take the blame of her mistakes. He would do whatever it takes to make sure that she is safe and protected…. And she knew that.

I wishe he would come to her and tell her that everything is just fine, that she can tease him and get on his nerves and that they can talk the whole night through without any worries, that they can stand up for each other, and that they don’t have to give each other cold looks ever again. For only he has the ability to comfort her..

More than anything else, I hope he tell her that he cherishes their relationship with all it's flaws as much as she has.

Please know that no matter how things are or how they unfold, she cherishes her relationship with you and always will.

I just hope he does too.

Moments......

At “yet another crossroad” of life’s journey I walked into a stranger who joined me in the odyssey of life
Days went by....Time ticked it’s way through weeks,months and years as I trod life’s unpredictable avenues

This span of time is all but a collection of moments-

Moments when I annoyed you...Moments when you hurt me

Moments when we differed...Moments when we conformed

Moments when you spoke...Moments when I listened

Moments when you didnt speak...Moments when I still listened

Moments of laughing together..Moments when we remained silent

Moments when distances crept in..Moments when intimacy erased them

Moments when I comforted you...Moments when you understood me

Moments when you complained...Moments when I apologized

Moments when I asserted...Moments when you acknowledged

Pain inflicted,heart broken,sorrows lived,existence torn apart,integrity interrogated,hopes crushed....but yet my heart bears no complains to GOD and LIFE who have endowed me with

“YOU"

Oh please..........

Why do people leave? Why does everything come to an end one day? I mean, everything’s so very perfect ..and then one day ..the world turns upside down ..and you lose all that you loved so dearly. This sucks. I know I am supposed to enjoy and cherish every moment and live in the present and blah blah ..but I cant stop such passing thoughts from coming my way!

Dear god,
This time its going great and I know he’s perfect for me, trust me ..he is!
So please, don’t do it again. Let him stay. Let ‘us’ stay. The way we are.Right now.I promise we’ll be fine, we’ll be happy. Ugh. I just want time to freeze. Oh Please :(

All this for that certain someone I have in my life ..and the way we’ve bonded has reached such a level ..that it scares me. Scares me to think that I'll lose him one day. Scares me to think that I may not or rather wont be able to recreate something like this with any other person ever again.

P.S: cant I just have a world which only includes people I love ..minus all those impurities! Okay, I know I sound dumb but I am feeling so helpless.

Dunno.....

Girl: what did you mean when you said that?
Boy: I don’t know …
G: like, what were you thinking? Were you serious?
B: I don’t know ..I guess
G: okay, what are you confused about? Tell me all
B: umm, its weird ..I don’t know ..

G wants to slap the shit out of him and throw him in a well ..but then all she manages to say is “okay”
________________________________________________________________

How do guys never know anything? Hows it possible? If u don’t know, then who will! Do u expect me to read ur mind or something? Are you a 5 year old kid who’s having trouble deciding which toy he wants to buy! Wake up! We’re talking SERIOUS stuff out here dammit! I dont know how you do this 'I dont know' thing.

This I-Don’t-Know problem is so often seen among guys! You can never have a proper discussion with the overflow of ‘I don’t knows’ ..It just kills the mood. How much do you want the other person to extract stuff out of you? And then you ask ..why I am getting so serious! Serious?! Yes, its obviously not serious for you..Coz I’m the mindfucked one out here! Im the one who has to assume stuff and analyse what your different I-don’t-knows ‘might’ mean! ARGGHH!

You OUGHT to know, honey! You OUGHT to! The best way to avoid I-don’t-knows is to communicate. Just tell her all that you’re confused about. You’ll spare her the torture and those mind boggling sessions she’ll have because of YOU! Makes life so much more easier..doesn’t it?

Calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sigh. I so wish some kabootar could take this post and show it to the people who made me write it :(
Yes, I had to vent it out and now im done. Im out.