Value........

I have seen women lifted by love.
Countless women surrounded, fed, embraced by love.
But most recently, I have met a woman condemned by love
Alienated, starved, forgotten by love.
The pain from love is visible in the eyes, heart and soul of this woman.
She who lives for love, who would die for love.
Curiosity forces me to look deep into her.

Eyes tell of a man whose love was taken away as quickly as was given.
A man whose compassion drowned in these eyes.
Taking advantage of the faith and fogiveness she possesses.
Tears roll down her cheeks and begin to drip from her delicate chin.
As sympathy overwhelms me, I invite myself for a better look.

A bleeding heart welcomes me to the truth behind this love.
What once was bliss has transformed.
The love that filled now forces her to starve.
An endless hunger that consumes, leaving nothing for this woman.
This man has stripped her of all that she loved, including himself.
He has laughed when she was in sorrow and found comfort when she was miserable.
My heart breaks for her as she opens up to let me in.

One foot after the other, I step into her soul.
My thoughts echo, as I begin to connect with her sorrows.
"Stop," catches her attention as I began to reason with her.
"Do not give yourself to this man."
Confusion fills her as she wakes to catch my gaze.
"If your love, your life mean so little to you that you can just give it away, why should it mean anymore to him ? "
I hear these words and reality sets in.

I have met this woman in love.
Alienated, starved, forgotten by love.
I have seen into her eyes, felt her heartache and visited her soul.
This person whose sorrow connects so genuinely with mine...is ME!
I have given my life to a man who has never asked nor has he ever cared for it.
I have believed and made true all the lies.
I have accepted inferiority, for how can he value me more than I value myself ?

Untitled.....

Circumstances change, people change, and you change.But, what if you start missing terribly, the 'old' you and the set of people that made you what you were sometime back ?

Someday, you get up and realise that, those people who constructed your past, are now just a small part of your present.Suddenly, you realise that everyone around you right now, are the people who are constructing your present.And you hate them all ? They dont value you and maybe thats why even you dont value them.

Another set of people are those, who were a part of your past, and are much more a part of your present. But they have changed, more than you could have ever imagined. They are the same people, and you love them like earlier, but there is something differant now. And that something, you are unable to understand. You are unable to figure it out after days of brainstorming. At the end, you are helpless, and accept them the way they are now, for the fear of letting them go takes over.You are helpless and hurt, and more than confused. You cant figure out what went wrong, and the confusion continues. For now, you seem to be alone. Life is not exactly what you had imagined it to be.

Kuki, stop expecting from people around you. And face the reality they are showing you every now and then. You dont matter to them.For God's sake stop believing that you do. It is not the way it used to be, no one is there to listen. Dont shed tears. They are hardly noticed.

Silly boy

'Go and talk to them...I am not on talking terms with you anymore'
Silly boy, I thought to myself.

I could not think of anything to say at that moment. I gave it another try with the words, the stupid words that undermine every emotion,but nothing came out.I hope there were better ways to explain it to him.I wish there was a better way to tell him about the painful, undeniable love that kicks my better judgement into a bottomless canyon.The kind that makes me want to sing him cheesy love songs, feed him with my hands, to help him fall asleep in my arms, to cook him food, to make him laugh, to let him pick the movies that we watch, even the ones I hate..and to kiss him endlessly.

They say a woman's imagination runs wild.it travels from admiration to love and from love to matrimony in a moment.He is a man.How would he know that I have already danced with him in the clouds, savoured every nook and corner of his face in my memory, sat down for hours and did nothing but thought about him? How would he know that my heart literally screams when I see his sad face ? How can he see that I feel his presence around me all the time even in the busiest times of the day ? That my love has become a constant sensation which nothing has been able to interrupt and it only alternates between absolute and tender devotion to acute agony throughout the day.

He wouldnt understand.He thinks it does not matter to me if he is there or not.

Silly boy.....

.................

Every single time I watch your eyes
as they watch me leave
They do not flinch.
I pause, and look for a sign
something to stop me from going.
Sometimes in the haze of your eyes
I see an old passion glowing,
but too soon, alas, is it overpowered
by an angry ruthless indifferance
and a hatred for what you see on my face
something you once held in reverence.
It pains me to watch you quit
on my right to you, on your right to me,
It pains me the way you acknowledge
I'll come back tomorrow, wherever I be
I wish you would stop me, and never let me go
I wish you could own me like you once did, and vice versa
But the ice doesnt break
You shut your eyes on me.

Nothing without you........

I used to have a very strict self designed code of conduct: how to laugh, how to weep, how to speak, how to behave, how to react and so on.He used to admire every move of mine.I started feeling that divine hand had bound some hidden wires of us that he feels comfort with even very weird act of mine.Then relation started getting stronger and stronger.My love kept on increasing and his acceptance kept on decreasing.I became a spot that always received criticism.When I asked him, "are you not feeling feasible with me ?"He candidly replied, "Yup, some features of your personality really hurt me". I said, "but dear, that's my nature".He said in an even more candid way, "then turn around and find some other way for you". I followed his command just like ever, I turned around but oh!! There was nothing other than chaos behind me.I screamed and knelt down before him.He stood there with folded arms in a rather indifferant manner but with a question mark on his face that why I again came back. I looked up, towards his face.My lips were badly stuck but my eyes pleaded, "my past, future and present have submerged themselves in you. I cant go back, I cant move forward, and I cant even stay in the present moment with you. You have the right to discard me, but I cant let you go because I love you so much."

Helpless

I have never felt so helpless as I did in the last two days....

Knowing I couldnt help him as much as I want to..that just coz I am so far away I dont even have a right to share the pain that I can so obviously feel he is going through....

And....

Hearing her cry as if she is dying inside but powerless to do anything

Living through these incidents was like going through a nightmare

Gawd I hate this feeling :(

Low

I'm feeling low, exactly low and nothing other than low, just in the way the word might have been first coined to precisely mean, I'm feeling low like that. And this feeling, the setting of almost everything in my life at the moment is almost exactly the same as a few years back. All that furore and I'm still just where I was, just as alone, just as disappointed, just as closed in my heart. I feel for a moment as if my heart has shrunk and shut and all the warmth and affection in it has evaporated. But I know better, for not all love can disappear. Yet I feel nothing good alive inside me and it's a dangerously dead feeling. I could be dead or alive and it would make no difference. I'm not hysterical or weepy, that's one bad habit I've largely managed to put under some serious check and I'm glad for it, but this peaceful blanket is unnerving for the sheer silence of it, for the sheer immunity it provides from everything around, and for myself.

I feel so terribly inadequate, and that insecurity does not arise externally, because I feel inadequate for myself. Yes, I feel cheated and angry and disappointed with a few people, a few things. Being ignored angers, but being ridiculed without deserving it makes you cry without a whimper. It's amazing how little you mean to anyone and anything, esp when you thought you should have meant something. It's amazing how easy it is for people to walk all over you even though you were there for their need not that long ago. It is a feeling that threatens to kill all kindness and all care inside you, which is a really really dangerous thing. It hurts to deserve something and not get it, but it hurts a lot to deserve a little respect and get a lot of ridicule. After so much...God knows I'm tired of the brickbats, and no I don't want any bouquets.

The reason why today reminds me of those days, those times is that I absolutely do not feel I need someone to share all this with now.(A good rant is a different thing, and this post is getting so long hardly anybody would read it, so this is essentially about talking to myself, and I like it)Nobody feels close enough and right enough any more to open up to, and in a way that's a liberating feeling because the habit and expectation of being taken care of makes you postpone sanity and self-care a little longer, and because it hurts much more when nobody shows up when you need them. It's an awesome feeling to not need, to feel low and be okay with it and to remember to fend for yourself. I grew up like that and it's good to see I can still survive like that. The good thing about these days, these times is that everytime they seem unlike those days, those times, someone comes along to gently remind you that 'hey,it's your problem, don't bore me with your stories and just do what you want' or 'hey, you're supposed to fix my problem instead and understand what I need and walk off, thats your job'. It feels nice to have a place, after all, wherever it is. And just like those days, anybody could count the objective 'parameters' in my life and claim it's a good life, but nobody would want to be in it, nobody would want to be me. Except me, of course. I like being me, esp this illusion-shattered me who knows her problem is her chronic disease of investing trust everywhere, but wouldn't do a thing about it.

So much has happened in such little time that I don't even know what all has. my will to work, to study, to fight, to even try is awfully hard to find. I wish I could crib, "why me?", but I know better. In some instances, I wish I could also complain "why not me?" but I know the futility. You know, you could do so much and still fail at it, just like those times when you do only a little and luck helps you incredibly a lot.

This last year has been so so harsh. Such little good has come out of it. People have come and gone and come and gone etc, life also came and gone and came and gone and toyed with my spirit, my resilience till it got tired of the mochery. And now, I feel so empty, so numb, so...finished. And not even in a depressing sort of a way, just completely matter-of-fact empty.As if my job here is done.And although I still have to live,which I have no clue how I will and my head goes into a frenzy trying to look for a point to it every single time, I don't feel I have it in me to live. I will survive, eventually, because there's no reason to just quit, but really, in life's journeys if you eventually come to the same point as you started, why do we even move? Why do we even try? No matter how much you do, how much you slog, how much you love, and how much of yourself you kill and sacrifice, how come it's never enough? Why should I go on?

PS: I may be low, but I'm perfectly sane. I will take care of myself, thank you