So it ends............

And so it ends here................

I remember the time not long ago
When we laughed and shared it all
We were the very best of friends
Or at least that’s what I thought.
I often wonder why friendships end
What happens to sever that tie
How can someone once so close
Just wave you off with a good bye
I must have been lacking
I must have been wrong
I wasn’t the friend to you
That you were to me all along.
I thought I was loyal
I know I was true
But something went wrong
Now there’s nothing to do
A friendship lost
Is a very sad thing
The angels weep instead of sing.

Finding out the reason.....

Somebody recently had pointed out that this blog has predominantly negative or neutral posts. Part of the reason is that of late I only write a post when in a certain mood. Now, after writing more of those crappy ones, I figure why I've been unhappy. I've nothing of those three, if you count out one crappy life.

I have felt him...

Just as air around me, like sky above my head, I have felt you with me in all the joys and sorrows. For all things I asked and you gave me, I am filled with gratitude.
For all those wishes which remained unfulfilled I was furious on you.Sometimes they shake my faith on you but you always gave answers for every why I had in my mind.Sooner or later, I got my answers.
You never said a word, but you answered me in the best possible way.With every answer, I became more firm about the bond we share.The bond we share is unique and one of its kind.From my experiences, now I understand I had been fool or silly at those times.
Like a stubborn kid asking for knife, I had been asking for wrong things! But like a mother who will let the child cry but will not give her knife, just for her safety.You thought more wisely about me than me.You made me realise that I am really blessed
Love you.....

A Happy V Day To Me

I am human too and this day is as special to me as any other human includin him,his loved ones, you all or any other random person.Yes..even if I am not loved by anyone..even if no one cares about the pain with which I live everyday...this day is imp and special for me too.Wish anyone could understand that.

I went out today...with my classmates..to celebrate...so what if no one loves me and no one gives a damn...Valentines day isint just a holiday for lovers.Its a festival to celebrate love for the people you are close to: friends,parents,siblings,mentors, even classmates.People usually associate it with just being a romantic occassion.Its about appreciating those closest to you, whether you are committed or single.I wont stop living just because some people are so insensitive when it comes to me,around me.

Since the day I have come here to do MBA somehow I lost touch with all my friends the way we used to.Today I messaged each one of them be it on phone or online and the whole day talked to them.Sourabh,mayank,andy,lucky,shai,gaurav...everyone.And I loved it :) Was like going back to the good old days

I did what valentines day is all about, showing love and kindness to someone you love...and I love myself even if others dont :)

Untitled.....

Circumstances change, people change, and you change.But, what if you start missing terribly, the 'old' you and the set of people that made you what you were sometime back ?

Someday, you get up and realise that, those people who constructed your past, are now just a small part of your present.Suddenly, you realise that everyone around you right now, are the people who are constructing your present.And you hate them all ? They dont value you and maybe thats why even you dont value them.

Another set of people are those, who were a part of your past, and are much more a part of your present. But they have changed, more than you could have ever imagined. They are the same people, and you love them like earlier, but there is something differant now. And that something, you are unable to understand. You are unable to figure it out after days of brainstorming. At the end, you are helpless, and accept them the way they are now, for the fear of letting them go takes over.You are helpless and hurt, and more than confused. You cant figure out what went wrong, and the confusion continues. For now, you seem to be alone. Life is not exactly what you had imagined it to be.

Kuki, stop expecting from people around you. And face the reality they are showing you every now and then. You dont matter to them.For God's sake stop believing that you do. It is not the way it used to be, no one is there to listen. Dont shed tears. They are hardly noticed.

Dedication....

You were never in any of my plans.You never existed a year ago to me.My life was all about me and my family and my career and my friends and my studies and my...oh well, my life was just a big fat MY.

I dont think I liked you so much when I met you.I dont think I ever dreamed of waking up to see a calm serene face as it sleeps every morning.I dont think I ever thought of putting someones name behind mine and thinking of how would it sound.

I never dreamed of waking up to someones kisses .I never dreamed of unrequited love in my life, for did I not think that all love is conditional?

I never thought I would ask for anyones opinion before I did a thing.Never thought I wont do something simply because he doesnt like it.I never thought I could ever be so selfless or so loving or so caring or so tender.

I never thought, I would ever pray HIM for someones longevity.I never thought I could want living my life with this one single man by my side forever.

I was never a traditional person.Was always a big time feminist.Friends still refer to me as Kiran Bedi and Phooloan Devi :). I never thought I could listen to one single man so much.Never thought someones opinion would matter so much.

But I do all that now.Every of the above things.Even now, when I write of you, I write about myself.Unseen, unheard, you crept up into my life and I see that I am, who I am now, all pretences shed.I see how it feels when someone has the power of bringing tears to your eyes.

For a life gone by, I have but one regret.Why did you not meet me earlier? Why did you make me wade through all the wrong people in the world before we met ?
Why did you not bring out the best in me earlier like you do now ? Why did you not come by sooner, so that I could understand what it means to say I love you and mean it and what it means craving to hear I love you and knowing that it is more than just a statement, that it is a promise, a committment, a lifetime, a sense of togetherness, something that says that I will forgo my happiness to see you happy.Why cant you be mine, in the next birth too ?

Something..somewhere....

A smile on my face,
A tight embrace,
A shoulder to lean on,
A mind so calm,
A hand to hold,
A peaceful soul,
A long walk,
A soothing talk,
A dream in my eye,
Or a reason to feel high,
A tender touch,
I dont know how much,
Something,somewhere,seems to be missing.......
Sometimes it just happens !

Echo of this silence

When I lose you, my love
I am scared, not of
Years spent
And neither shall I
Find myself unable to live without you

(I'll be strong and move on
And all that, you know!)

What does scare me, love
Is the thought of
My dreams, trashed-
Rendered pointless
Of Pain excruciating,
But meaningless
Of a pain that will, dim with time
But wont fade away

There are things you are not supposed to
Talk objectively about
And I dread being talked of
Objectively- as a temporary part of your past,
As your past,
Like a long-forgotten taste of
Your favourite flavoured coffee

And sunshine, dont let my memory
Come as a lump of guilt
Or a pang of heartache
Or a moment of sundown
Let it play, in the twitch of your smile

And promise me,
That a part of me, will continue to live in you
And I swear that,
A part of you, shall forever be in my soul

Silly boy

'Go and talk to them...I am not on talking terms with you anymore'
Silly boy, I thought to myself.

I could not think of anything to say at that moment. I gave it another try with the words, the stupid words that undermine every emotion,but nothing came out.I hope there were better ways to explain it to him.I wish there was a better way to tell him about the painful, undeniable love that kicks my better judgement into a bottomless canyon.The kind that makes me want to sing him cheesy love songs, feed him with my hands, to help him fall asleep in my arms, to cook him food, to make him laugh, to let him pick the movies that we watch, even the ones I hate..and to kiss him endlessly.

They say a woman's imagination runs wild.it travels from admiration to love and from love to matrimony in a moment.He is a man.How would he know that I have already danced with him in the clouds, savoured every nook and corner of his face in my memory, sat down for hours and did nothing but thought about him? How would he know that my heart literally screams when I see his sad face ? How can he see that I feel his presence around me all the time even in the busiest times of the day ? That my love has become a constant sensation which nothing has been able to interrupt and it only alternates between absolute and tender devotion to acute agony throughout the day.

He wouldnt understand.He thinks it does not matter to me if he is there or not.

Silly boy.....

Weight on my heart

I feel the gram of weight now.I feel it while he falls asleep talking to me.Just like that he falls asleep today as I sit right next to him.It might sound cliched but he looks like an angel - that is what he looks like to me- a beautiful but restless angel. The light from the lamp behind him almost makes a halo around his face.

I am frozen in my place. I do not want to move a muscle in case I wake him up.He needs a rest- a long peaceful rest to help him revive the beautiful life in him.

He sleeps on his belly holding the pillow tight, just like I do. His brows frown from time to time as if his mind is still struggling with something while his body has given up. I want to touch his face and caress his hair but I curb the temptation fearing that I will wake him up.He shifts in his place from time to time, not tossing or turning, rather shifting restlessly. He looks like a troubled kid who should be lulled to sleep every night. I smile at the thought.

And I feel that gram of weight- the inability to hold him in my arms and rock him to a peaceful sleep. The helplessness of wanting him and yet not getting him. That powerful desire to make him happy- to love him.

I restrain myself and with it comes that gram of weight I was telling you about.

Pain....

Do you think there comes a point where the pain just stops ? Or is it never ending ?
Isint there a point when you no longer care because you know that it could not possibly hurt anymore ? The pain is absolved and the fear is gone because there is nothing left of your soul to be ripped apart. When it happens, you sit on the floor, your back to the door and just stare at the wall. Somehow the emptiness is comforting then. You dont want to stand up because you know exactly what is waiting for you on the other side of the door.Some people tell me that they see the darkness begin to rise from the floor. They can no longer fight off the darkness. Hence they welcome it inside them.
The light goes out, the soul extinguishes and the pain disapears
Is that how the pain disappears ?

.................

Every single time I watch your eyes
as they watch me leave
They do not flinch.
I pause, and look for a sign
something to stop me from going.
Sometimes in the haze of your eyes
I see an old passion glowing,
but too soon, alas, is it overpowered
by an angry ruthless indifferance
and a hatred for what you see on my face
something you once held in reverence.
It pains me to watch you quit
on my right to you, on your right to me,
It pains me the way you acknowledge
I'll come back tomorrow, wherever I be
I wish you would stop me, and never let me go
I wish you could own me like you once did, and vice versa
But the ice doesnt break
You shut your eyes on me.

Back.............

I want it all back: from the cold nights, to the skipping heart beats.I want it back.I want my tears back- from when my puppy died to the countless times I have banged and bruised my head.I want my parents screaming at me because I am being mischievious, when I am laughing on the inside because I have no intention of changing.I want my friends concerned about me.I want to be missed.I want someone crying, begging God for me to be okayI want it back.I want to cry over sad movies.I want to be afraid of dying.I want my hands to tremble, not from fear but from being emotional.I want to talk-freely.I want to feel wanted.I want my veins to struggle to let my blood flow.I want my heart to have to work twice as hard to beat half as slow.I want it back.I want it all back.I want my innocence back.I want you back.

Nothing without you........

I used to have a very strict self designed code of conduct: how to laugh, how to weep, how to speak, how to behave, how to react and so on.He used to admire every move of mine.I started feeling that divine hand had bound some hidden wires of us that he feels comfort with even very weird act of mine.Then relation started getting stronger and stronger.My love kept on increasing and his acceptance kept on decreasing.I became a spot that always received criticism.When I asked him, "are you not feeling feasible with me ?"He candidly replied, "Yup, some features of your personality really hurt me". I said, "but dear, that's my nature".He said in an even more candid way, "then turn around and find some other way for you". I followed his command just like ever, I turned around but oh!! There was nothing other than chaos behind me.I screamed and knelt down before him.He stood there with folded arms in a rather indifferant manner but with a question mark on his face that why I again came back. I looked up, towards his face.My lips were badly stuck but my eyes pleaded, "my past, future and present have submerged themselves in you. I cant go back, I cant move forward, and I cant even stay in the present moment with you. You have the right to discard me, but I cant let you go because I love you so much."

My dear.......

I am not sure exactly why am I writing to him and why do I choose to write here. I suppose he will read this sooner or later, and may be then he will understand.

I think I write this for my sake as well… to keep some sort of record.

She wonders where they go wrong, she wonders what they do that takes them just a second to turn so cold from being all caring and honest. The unpredictability that they have just gives her the chills.She wonders about the mood swings, the sarcastic comments, the whinnings and the downright awful fights.

She cherishes what they have between them.More than anything else, she cherishes what they have between them. She cherishes what they had since they first met. She cherishes all the IMs and the late night talks about the whole world.

She only asks for him. she only asks for the person she was herself with. She asks for him,a person who cared, who talked non-stop, who fought for her, who spent hours with her yet complained of having less time and who confided in her. She remembers the person who would tell her everything and would expect to know everthing. The person who was her comfort zone and she was his.

She misses the person she has shared countless memories with, she misses the person who was practically her “alarm clock” every morning, and her late night lullaby for it was his thoughts that woke her up, his thoughts that lulled her to sleep.

"You are better off in your circle because I dont see myself as a part of it anymore.So let us concentrate on our own business"

She misses the person who could never fight with her, who got equally upset if they did, if not more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who gets upset more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who loves and cares more.She misses the person who craved her company as much as she craved his, if not more.

"That is your problem girl,you never think you are wrong and have this attitutde"

He was the only one with whom she could talk about everything.He was the only person who would tolerate her childish behavior…He was the only one she depended upon.He was the only one she could count on.

Besides him, she never went out with anyone.Others did, everyone did, here or anywhere else but she did not

Besides him,she never really whined in front of anyone. She never teased anyone to the extent she had teased him. She was never as rude to someone as she had been to him.She never really shouted at anyone else either.

He was the only person who was ready to take the blame of her mistakes. He would do whatever it takes to make sure that she is safe and protected…. And she knew that.

I wishe he would come to her and tell her that everything is just fine, that she can tease him and get on his nerves and that they can talk the whole night through without any worries, that they can stand up for each other, and that they don’t have to give each other cold looks ever again. For only he has the ability to comfort her..

More than anything else, I hope he tell her that he cherishes their relationship with all it's flaws as much as she has.

Please know that no matter how things are or how they unfold, she cherishes her relationship with you and always will.

I just hope he does too.

Oh please..........

Why do people leave? Why does everything come to an end one day? I mean, everything’s so very perfect ..and then one day ..the world turns upside down ..and you lose all that you loved so dearly. This sucks. I know I am supposed to enjoy and cherish every moment and live in the present and blah blah ..but I cant stop such passing thoughts from coming my way!

Dear god,
This time its going great and I know he’s perfect for me, trust me ..he is!
So please, don’t do it again. Let him stay. Let ‘us’ stay. The way we are.Right now.I promise we’ll be fine, we’ll be happy. Ugh. I just want time to freeze. Oh Please :(

All this for that certain someone I have in my life ..and the way we’ve bonded has reached such a level ..that it scares me. Scares me to think that I'll lose him one day. Scares me to think that I may not or rather wont be able to recreate something like this with any other person ever again.

P.S: cant I just have a world which only includes people I love ..minus all those impurities! Okay, I know I sound dumb but I am feeling so helpless.

Somewhere between......

I'm in this dark hole now. It's pretty though.

It's the prettiest thing in my world right now. No light. Just sheer darkness and me. It's all good. Something keeps me wanting to live amidst all the chaos, all this death. No noise. No light. No clutter. No racing. No tears. No smiles. No one to let you down. No one to give you glory. No friends, therefore no enemies. Life in it's purest form, sitting right beside me, saying nothing, doing nothing...just being itself giving me silent glances, yet not beckoning me to do anything. Life and me, staring at the walls. No need to cry. No need to ask. No need to validate my thoughts. Not the faintest need to be acknowledged either. Not the smallest want to be wanted.

I'm quite content with my beliefs that they need to be neither approved nor validated. I don't need your salutations either for they don't do anything to me anymore. I'm on the most content road ever. Im back in my mother's womb. I'm fresh and unaffected. Humans are programmed to receive. But in that reception lives a huge lie. A giant fake. A humungous disappointment. Because nothing is really forever. Nothing can be kept with you unless it's given to you by YOU. Everything else is temporary. People, friends, words, promises, gifts, bonds...everything is nothing. They will all be consumed by time and nature some day. Is there something that won't be swallowed by time? Is there something that won't be forsaken by a mere plethora of expectations?

The sense of peace I feel right now is surreal. One I never felt before. A territory I dared not tread before. It's amazing. I no longer suffer from the need to make or have friends. I'm quite 'blissed' out here. No one knows what they are here for, or the wheres or whys. No one cares what you have to say. There are echoes from a distant past, and I see lips moving...but nothing can really be heard in this dark hole.

And it's good. I have forgotten to smile but I have forgotten to cry too.In this nothingness lies a real sense of peace. Once you're broken beyond repair, that's when you realise your full potential, your purest form, yourself. Until you're 'broken' you will never really know what it is to live without others...you will never really learn to live as 'you'. I'm somewhere between life and death, but I'm not with you.

life.....

Only eyes will cry, not a single soul will weep
I feel this will happen, when for ever I'll sleep
I'm torn inside, inside only I cry
knowing it makes no difference whether i live or die
now I only breathe,I died long back
and people now think its emotions I lack
no-one to share my feelings, my soul always wept
the sorrows passed away, but the pain is still kept
the whole wide world alone I roam
and live in a lonely room, in a lonely home
when spring gives earth a new song to dance
it's my heart afraid of breaking that won't take a chance
then sunrays greet and turn everything to gold
but my heart remains cold
when earth gets a new life from the rain
there is nothing to look forward to, it was all in vain
then winter comes and another year will end and again
I wonder whether my life will ever mend
will there ever be someone, someone by my side?
but now its too late because long back I died

On my own........

I can’t do it. I have tried to do it so many times but I just can’t. Perhaps, I won’t. Yes, I am too shy to show you all my vulnerable side. I am too weak to make it clear. It’s an emotional suicide.

It doesn’t look like I can give anyone anything. I haven’t slept. I can’t connect. Am I crazy? I laugh too loud. I have no tears to cry. Sometimes I want to cry.

But, these feelings…. These feelings won’t go away. You know it is not easy. These thoughts don’t leave me. These feelings won’t go away. They have been knocking me all over the place. I keep thinking in the moment that time will take them away. But these feelings won’t go away.

So, here I stand. I can’t turn away. And I don’t want to cause you all any pain. But I can’t communicate.
So here I am.
And here I stand.
On my own again.

Flower yet unwanted....

Someone described me as a wild flower that flourishes even in adversity and brightens up evryone's life...I would say further..yet a wild flower is never wanted as any other flower.It always remains unwanted :-)