An end and a new beginning

And another one bites the dust. We are one year older, one year wiser and one year uglier than we were last year.

This was an important year. More important than I had imagined earlier. I did so much. I broke my heart twice. I failed and succeeded. I wrote obsessively. I scored. I prayed. I hated. I traveled. I got hired. I quit. I infatuated myself with a stranger. I left friends behind. I moved to strange lands. I experimented with my sanity. I gave up on forever.

Would I do it all over again if I get a chance? Probably not. Some seasons should never come back and this was one of those seasons.

But I've learned a lot this year. I learned that things don't always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. And I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I've learned that good people also hurt you - no matter how good they are, at some point they are bound to hurt you too and its alright. I've learned that relationships are fickle. They should not be measured by how long you have known someone, but how deeply you have cared. And if you have truly cared for someone even for a minute, it is worth the thousand lives you are going to live without them. I've learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, even when you don't have people who love you.

And now I stand here in this strange city, in this awful weather, trying to figure out a direction. There are no familiar faces around to guide me, no matter how hard I try to look for them, but I know why that is. They are not supposed to be here. Its my time to get up myself and figure it out. Otherwise I will never learn.

But the good news is that once I get up and put myself together, work up the courage to turn the corner of the street I had been looking at for such a long time now, I will bump into a stranger, we will smile at each other and somehow all will be well again. Its only a matter of getting up and turning around that corner. I know I'm still a little bent, a little crooked, but I can't complain. After bearing through all kinds of abuses this year and crashing into dead ends and living through overdoses, I feel better now than I did five years ago. I might have some scar tissue, but that's alright, I'm still making progress. I hope you are too.

So, here's to another year of kicking and struggling and loving, and working up the nerve to take that turn and find out what's around that corner.

All for you...none for me....

You might not see me sometimes....

but I have visions only for you.

You might not hear me sometimes....

but I have sounds only for you.

You might not feel me sometimes....

but I have sensations only for you.

You might not care for me sometimes....

but I have feelings only for you.

You might not feel my presence sometimes....

but I am there always for you.

I am your shadow, you are my vista

I am what you want me to be for you.

Ishq.........

There comes a point in love when it doesn't hurt anymore. You feel nothing but love. Your love for the object of your affection and nothing else.

It'd complete submission.You cant go any further than that. You love without wondering how they feel about you. Sometimes you love without even knowing where they are, and if you will ever be able to see them again. Worries about whether you will be able to spend a lifetime with that person are so trivial to you because your love is greater than that.

I have learned that when you completely love someone you let go of all your desires.You just love. Not many people can actually wrap their heads around the idea but it makes complete sense to me. It brings me satisfaction.

Loving someone should always be easy. Relationships are complicated, love isin't. Too often we confuse the two together. Loving like that gives me the courage to go on.

I have loved another with all my heart, and to me that has always been enough.

Dedication....

You were never in any of my plans.You never existed a year ago to me.My life was all about me and my family and my career and my friends and my studies and my...oh well, my life was just a big fat MY.

I dont think I liked you so much when I met you.I dont think I ever dreamed of waking up to see a calm serene face as it sleeps every morning.I dont think I ever thought of putting someones name behind mine and thinking of how would it sound.

I never dreamed of waking up to someones kisses .I never dreamed of unrequited love in my life, for did I not think that all love is conditional?

I never thought I would ask for anyones opinion before I did a thing.Never thought I wont do something simply because he doesnt like it.I never thought I could ever be so selfless or so loving or so caring or so tender.

I never thought, I would ever pray HIM for someones longevity.I never thought I could want living my life with this one single man by my side forever.

I was never a traditional person.Was always a big time feminist.Friends still refer to me as Kiran Bedi and Phooloan Devi :). I never thought I could listen to one single man so much.Never thought someones opinion would matter so much.

But I do all that now.Every of the above things.Even now, when I write of you, I write about myself.Unseen, unheard, you crept up into my life and I see that I am, who I am now, all pretences shed.I see how it feels when someone has the power of bringing tears to your eyes.

For a life gone by, I have but one regret.Why did you not meet me earlier? Why did you make me wade through all the wrong people in the world before we met ?
Why did you not bring out the best in me earlier like you do now ? Why did you not come by sooner, so that I could understand what it means to say I love you and mean it and what it means craving to hear I love you and knowing that it is more than just a statement, that it is a promise, a committment, a lifetime, a sense of togetherness, something that says that I will forgo my happiness to see you happy.Why cant you be mine, in the next birth too ?

Back.............

I want it all back: from the cold nights, to the skipping heart beats.I want it back.I want my tears back- from when my puppy died to the countless times I have banged and bruised my head.I want my parents screaming at me because I am being mischievious, when I am laughing on the inside because I have no intention of changing.I want my friends concerned about me.I want to be missed.I want someone crying, begging God for me to be okayI want it back.I want to cry over sad movies.I want to be afraid of dying.I want my hands to tremble, not from fear but from being emotional.I want to talk-freely.I want to feel wanted.I want my veins to struggle to let my blood flow.I want my heart to have to work twice as hard to beat half as slow.I want it back.I want it all back.I want my innocence back.I want you back.

My dear.......

I am not sure exactly why am I writing to him and why do I choose to write here. I suppose he will read this sooner or later, and may be then he will understand.

I think I write this for my sake as well… to keep some sort of record.

She wonders where they go wrong, she wonders what they do that takes them just a second to turn so cold from being all caring and honest. The unpredictability that they have just gives her the chills.She wonders about the mood swings, the sarcastic comments, the whinnings and the downright awful fights.

She cherishes what they have between them.More than anything else, she cherishes what they have between them. She cherishes what they had since they first met. She cherishes all the IMs and the late night talks about the whole world.

She only asks for him. she only asks for the person she was herself with. She asks for him,a person who cared, who talked non-stop, who fought for her, who spent hours with her yet complained of having less time and who confided in her. She remembers the person who would tell her everything and would expect to know everthing. The person who was her comfort zone and she was his.

She misses the person she has shared countless memories with, she misses the person who was practically her “alarm clock” every morning, and her late night lullaby for it was his thoughts that woke her up, his thoughts that lulled her to sleep.

"You are better off in your circle because I dont see myself as a part of it anymore.So let us concentrate on our own business"

She misses the person who could never fight with her, who got equally upset if they did, if not more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who gets upset more.She misses the person who used to compete with her, as to who loves and cares more.She misses the person who craved her company as much as she craved his, if not more.

"That is your problem girl,you never think you are wrong and have this attitutde"

He was the only one with whom she could talk about everything.He was the only person who would tolerate her childish behavior…He was the only one she depended upon.He was the only one she could count on.

Besides him, she never went out with anyone.Others did, everyone did, here or anywhere else but she did not

Besides him,she never really whined in front of anyone. She never teased anyone to the extent she had teased him. She was never as rude to someone as she had been to him.She never really shouted at anyone else either.

He was the only person who was ready to take the blame of her mistakes. He would do whatever it takes to make sure that she is safe and protected…. And she knew that.

I wishe he would come to her and tell her that everything is just fine, that she can tease him and get on his nerves and that they can talk the whole night through without any worries, that they can stand up for each other, and that they don’t have to give each other cold looks ever again. For only he has the ability to comfort her..

More than anything else, I hope he tell her that he cherishes their relationship with all it's flaws as much as she has.

Please know that no matter how things are or how they unfold, she cherishes her relationship with you and always will.

I just hope he does too.

Oh please..........

Why do people leave? Why does everything come to an end one day? I mean, everything’s so very perfect ..and then one day ..the world turns upside down ..and you lose all that you loved so dearly. This sucks. I know I am supposed to enjoy and cherish every moment and live in the present and blah blah ..but I cant stop such passing thoughts from coming my way!

Dear god,
This time its going great and I know he’s perfect for me, trust me ..he is!
So please, don’t do it again. Let him stay. Let ‘us’ stay. The way we are.Right now.I promise we’ll be fine, we’ll be happy. Ugh. I just want time to freeze. Oh Please :(

All this for that certain someone I have in my life ..and the way we’ve bonded has reached such a level ..that it scares me. Scares me to think that I'll lose him one day. Scares me to think that I may not or rather wont be able to recreate something like this with any other person ever again.

P.S: cant I just have a world which only includes people I love ..minus all those impurities! Okay, I know I sound dumb but I am feeling so helpless.

Dunno.....

Girl: what did you mean when you said that?
Boy: I don’t know …
G: like, what were you thinking? Were you serious?
B: I don’t know ..I guess
G: okay, what are you confused about? Tell me all
B: umm, its weird ..I don’t know ..

G wants to slap the shit out of him and throw him in a well ..but then all she manages to say is “okay”
________________________________________________________________

How do guys never know anything? Hows it possible? If u don’t know, then who will! Do u expect me to read ur mind or something? Are you a 5 year old kid who’s having trouble deciding which toy he wants to buy! Wake up! We’re talking SERIOUS stuff out here dammit! I dont know how you do this 'I dont know' thing.

This I-Don’t-Know problem is so often seen among guys! You can never have a proper discussion with the overflow of ‘I don’t knows’ ..It just kills the mood. How much do you want the other person to extract stuff out of you? And then you ask ..why I am getting so serious! Serious?! Yes, its obviously not serious for you..Coz I’m the mindfucked one out here! Im the one who has to assume stuff and analyse what your different I-don’t-knows ‘might’ mean! ARGGHH!

You OUGHT to know, honey! You OUGHT to! The best way to avoid I-don’t-knows is to communicate. Just tell her all that you’re confused about. You’ll spare her the torture and those mind boggling sessions she’ll have because of YOU! Makes life so much more easier..doesn’t it?

Calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sigh. I so wish some kabootar could take this post and show it to the people who made me write it :(
Yes, I had to vent it out and now im done. Im out.

Quietly........

I keep pushing the limits and keep testing the boundaries which were so rigidly predefined in my mind before. Ever since this illusion has shattered, all avenues have opened to be explored. I've been feeling quite overwhelmed by the options I have before me.

It's interesting to learn for yourself that reality is what you make of it. You define for yourself what and who you accept to be real and to what extent. A forbidden thought, whispered by the smallest of voices in your head in the dead of the night, can be more real for you than the most glaring of truths screamed at you in blinding daylight. Reality is what you allow it to be. Reality is what you choose to accept it to be. And inasmuch, there are limitless opportunities before us.

The further I go from you, the closer I seem to keep you. You defy all logical sense. So I long since accepted you to be the exception to every rule I came up with. Rules which I needed to make sense of my life. Codes of behavior I take everyone else to task with. But you…you I have always let slip through the loopholes in every situation. You, I have always made excuses for. You….

..not because you needed it. Which really is the catch.

We tend to overlook things we shouldn't. And look over things we needn't. I spoke of gifts of hedonistic pleasure at one point in life. You gave me gifts far beyond any I received so far, and frankly, far beyond any I hope to ever receive again. Simply because I cannot imagine anyone else doing for me what you do "Quietly"

Thank you.

Dont wake me up....

I am angry at myself today. Or it would be better to say that I have been angry at myself for a long time now. I am the type of a person who doesn’t like not to be in control—especially control of her own self.

But no matter how hard I try... no matter how strong I am, I know that eventually you take charge of my being. It’s like God gave you this right to be the all-knower and the all-in-all for me ALL the time. Every door I open, every window I peek through, every corner I turn around… I bump into you.

I play around. I laugh. I party. I open myself up. I look at them and try to feel the tingling in my stomach—the same tingling I have always felt when I looked at you. I look at them and want my heart to beat just a little faster. I just want the smile to linger on my face for just a few more moments.
But I fail miserably.

I could sit down and count so many flaws and failures in you… I could find so many reasons to justify not being with you. But then again, you are so perfect. Why? Why are you so perfect for me? Why do you have this ability to make me feel the way you do?

Ab Kisi Ki Ankh Ka Jadoo Nahi Chalta Mujh Par
Woh Nazar Bhool Gayi Hai Mujhe Pathhar Kar K

Every night I rest on my bed with hopes that may be I will get a chance to see you when I close my eyes. I am going out of my head—lost in a fairy tale, where you hold my hand and be my guide. You are the sweetest Lullaby.

I wonder what kind of dream this is… is it a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Either way, I don’t want to wake up from you.

Tum Pass Ho K Bhi
Tum Aas Ho K Bhi
Ehsaas Ho K Bhi
Apne Nahi
Aise Hain Humko Gile
Tumse Na Jaane Kyun

Somewhere between......

I'm in this dark hole now. It's pretty though.

It's the prettiest thing in my world right now. No light. Just sheer darkness and me. It's all good. Something keeps me wanting to live amidst all the chaos, all this death. No noise. No light. No clutter. No racing. No tears. No smiles. No one to let you down. No one to give you glory. No friends, therefore no enemies. Life in it's purest form, sitting right beside me, saying nothing, doing nothing...just being itself giving me silent glances, yet not beckoning me to do anything. Life and me, staring at the walls. No need to cry. No need to ask. No need to validate my thoughts. Not the faintest need to be acknowledged either. Not the smallest want to be wanted.

I'm quite content with my beliefs that they need to be neither approved nor validated. I don't need your salutations either for they don't do anything to me anymore. I'm on the most content road ever. Im back in my mother's womb. I'm fresh and unaffected. Humans are programmed to receive. But in that reception lives a huge lie. A giant fake. A humungous disappointment. Because nothing is really forever. Nothing can be kept with you unless it's given to you by YOU. Everything else is temporary. People, friends, words, promises, gifts, bonds...everything is nothing. They will all be consumed by time and nature some day. Is there something that won't be swallowed by time? Is there something that won't be forsaken by a mere plethora of expectations?

The sense of peace I feel right now is surreal. One I never felt before. A territory I dared not tread before. It's amazing. I no longer suffer from the need to make or have friends. I'm quite 'blissed' out here. No one knows what they are here for, or the wheres or whys. No one cares what you have to say. There are echoes from a distant past, and I see lips moving...but nothing can really be heard in this dark hole.

And it's good. I have forgotten to smile but I have forgotten to cry too.In this nothingness lies a real sense of peace. Once you're broken beyond repair, that's when you realise your full potential, your purest form, yourself. Until you're 'broken' you will never really know what it is to live without others...you will never really learn to live as 'you'. I'm somewhere between life and death, but I'm not with you.

life.....

Only eyes will cry, not a single soul will weep
I feel this will happen, when for ever I'll sleep
I'm torn inside, inside only I cry
knowing it makes no difference whether i live or die
now I only breathe,I died long back
and people now think its emotions I lack
no-one to share my feelings, my soul always wept
the sorrows passed away, but the pain is still kept
the whole wide world alone I roam
and live in a lonely room, in a lonely home
when spring gives earth a new song to dance
it's my heart afraid of breaking that won't take a chance
then sunrays greet and turn everything to gold
but my heart remains cold
when earth gets a new life from the rain
there is nothing to look forward to, it was all in vain
then winter comes and another year will end and again
I wonder whether my life will ever mend
will there ever be someone, someone by my side?
but now its too late because long back I died

Flower yet unwanted....

Someone described me as a wild flower that flourishes even in adversity and brightens up evryone's life...I would say further..yet a wild flower is never wanted as any other flower.It always remains unwanted :-)

Imperfect is for me............

All I can think about is the hows, whys and whats of things. How did I let myself go that far? When did it happen? Why does it feel so right?There are some things in life you want so badly that there is no other alternative. No scratch that. There is always an alternative. Sometimes even a better one, but it would never make you feel the same way. It could make you feel better, it wouldn't make you feel the same. I am selfish. I want to feel the "same", the way I have always felt. The way he made me feel. Does it make any sense?

Alternatives are sometimes a more practical and economical option. I say economical because trust me Love costs you A LOT, more than anything could ever cost you and I dont mean in the monetary terms.. But alternatives are like eating a frozen yogurt instead of ice-cream. It is healthier but it will never satisfy your craving; it will never make you feel the SAME. Do you see where I am going with this?

Sometimes you meet someone and you know it is not going to be a perfect relation.For some odd reason you still want to give it a try for the hell of it. Yeah, I gave it a try for the hell of it, and now I can't think about being with a perfectly compatible person that may or may not exist. Because that imperfect person is the One for me. I like the imperfection in us. I like the yelling and the screaming and the fact that I can be way too emotional and he can be way to logical at times. I like that he is very specific about his outlook where as I could care less about mine. I want him to yell at me for talking too loudly or for being irritating at times. I want to yell at him for not going to bed at a proper time or having cigarettes, or being too careless.

I cannot believe I am admitting all of this. I, who always wanted everything perfect. But I do. I have learned that happiness is not in perfection. It is in the screaming and the yelling. It is not in the perfect romantic evening but in an ordinary weekday night when you go to a Pizza Hut because you are too lazy to go elsewhere and eat it straight out of the box. Happiness is not about having what you want but wanting what you have.

Love.............

“Do you know what love is like?” She asked.

“No,” was the response.

“Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin?"

“Only all the time!” :-)

“Well that’s what love is like," she said quietly. “Makes your heart race, turns your world upside down. But if you are not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance.

You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you...You can’t see that you are about to fall...”

Part time lover...

I was a part-time lover and a full-time friend.
He wanted neither.
I failed.

Who lost?

Why????

There is nothing constant in this world, no emotion, no situation nothing at all, life has its own twists and turns, one should be ready to face the challenges, all that agreed. Though I am aware of the fact I still wonder why people change.

They change especially when you need them the most, people you least expect it from, people who mean so much to you. Its very strange, for you have known that person for long enough for him/her to understand you and what you did in a given situation. All you want is the person to comprehend what you did, is that too much to ask for?

Is it wrong to be emotionally dependent on someone? I mean we all need someone, a friend or whom so ever but that one person. One should not expect anything from anyone-that is true but sometimes it is the sheer thought, that there is a person who will understand you come what may, that pulls you through everything.

It can be quite disturbing to know that you are not important to that person while that person is to you.